Don’t Make Excuses for How You Think or Feel, Just Believe in You. (approx. 7-8 min. read)

It’s been months since I last wrote, and it’s not because I haven’t been inspired to write, it's because of COVID-19; the new coronavirus and the fact that I felt like nothing I had to say was as important as how it’s affecting the world. I believe that COVID-19 has and will continue changing the way people have always lived their lives, especially people of my generation. We believe a handshake is the same as a person’s word, and for me, the uncertainty is mind-blowing and it feels almost surreal.

When we first heard about the virus, it didn’t really concern us. The outbreak was in China, with very few cases in Canada or the rest of the world, in fact, most of the cases of COVID-19 were people that lived in China or had recently traveled from China. So, when we heard that a close friend of ours had been diagnosed with cancer and was going to Jamaica; where we had first met, for a vacation, we jumped at the chance. We had earned close to $6000.00 WestJet dollars building our house and we hadn’t had a vacation, or a break in years.

Thinking mostly of our friend, we booked the trip and left for Jamaica on February 23, 2020. We talked to her husband ahead of time and decided we would keep it a secret, so it would be a big surprise for her, and it was! The best thing about it was, just before the trip she found out she was in remission, so instead, the trip being melancholy, it was a time to get caught up and celebrate.

The best part about the whole trip was what it did for my head because I did a whole lot of healing while I was away from the place, I call home. I’m not sure what it was, or what lead up to it, but I didn’t get anxious about flying or being in a strange place and since I got held up almost fifteen years ago that was my new normal. Since that fateful day, I have been anxious, hypervigilant, and incredibly fearful, but while I was away this year, I felt confident, self-assured, and brave and I’m incredibly proud to say those feelings have stayed with me, even though the world seems to have changed exponentially.

Unfortunately, while I was on holiday growing a set of gonads, COVID-19 was spreading quickly and when we got back on March 3, 2020, hysteria was starting to set in and we knew we’d better stock up on groceries before there was nothing left. Gary had to go back to work the day after we got home, so I volunteered to drive the two and half-hour drive into the city to do a Costco run. Regrettably, when I got there the store was so packed that I couldn’t keep a safe distance from anyone, which made me feel incredibly fearful and I ended up walking out before getting everything that was on our list.

While I was out, I was incredibly careful, and I never touched anything without using sanitizer straight after, but in less than fourteen days after my visit to the city, both Gary and I were sick. Gary was the first one to get it and it started with a really bad headache; something he gets often, and we thought it was just stress, but less than twenty-four hours later we were both experiencing the symptoms of COVID-19 and we were scared - to say the least.

A lot of the fear came from the fact that I have type II diabetes, plus I was diagnosed with Lyme disease last year, and Gary is only a year away from being sixty. The medical community had confirmed that people like Gary and I are at a greater risk of succumbing to COVID-19, so we were fearful. So fearful, in fact, that we ended up having one of the biggest arguments we’ve ever had …and it was over not being able to get out and get what we needed before having to isolate – something that was out of both of our control. And as you know it’s really hard for a survivor when we feel like things are out of our control so for the subsequent twenty-three days; nine for me to get over the illness and fourteen to self-isolate, I just about lost my mind with the fear.

Fortunately, Gary started to feel better on the second day and by the third day, his symptoms were gone, and I honestly thought I would be the same as him, but I wasn’t. By the third day, I was having trouble breathing and my blood sugars had sky-rocketed, so when I called my old family physician; we don’t have one up here yet, she instructed me to go and get tested at the local “unit,” straight away.

When we got there, a security guard took my cell phone number and instructed me to wait in the car until someone called me. We waited about five minutes before my phone rang and I was instructed to go through the doors to the left of the unit. I walked through the doors reluctantly because if I didn’t have the virus, I felt like I would by the time I left. I was instructed to put on a gown, wash my hands, and then go to booth number three. They took my temperature, asked me a few questions, and then sent me away with a note instructing both Gary and I to self-isolate for fourteen days after my last symptom, even though I couldn’t take a deep breath without coughing so bad I would wretch and struggle to breathe.

I was so angry! They never listened to my chest or did any x-rays even though they could see I was visibly struggling. The only thing the physician said to me was that they were only testing health care workers because there weren’t enough tests and to ONLY come back to the unit if my symptoms got worse than they were?!

I was flabbergasted and when I went out the door of the unit, I slammed it behind me. I was really sick and here I was being sent away; just like after being diagnosed with Lyme disease. I felt like the medical community was failing me once again. Our government was posting all over social media that if we fell sick with COVID-19, we would be tested and taken care of, yet here we were being sent away. It was such a contradiction to what we’d been told and instead of talking about it on the way home, we rode home in silence wondering about our mortality and if we were strong enough to beat this insidious virus. One that had never before existed in mankind and would be the fate of many because no one on earth had the antibodies to fight it.

Luckily, three days after we went to the unit; a total of nine days, my fever dropped, my headache and sore throat went away, and my cough stopped – even though I had been told by a physician that the cough could last up to eight weeks. Truthfully, it felt like a miracle and it’s made me feel almost like I have a new lease on life and that is a marvel because, for the past fourteen plus years, it’s felt like the sky has been falling.

… but and as you know it’s always a big but, I truthfully have come out the other side and I wanted to share that with you because I never believed that I would be able to “live” with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I thought I would always be the girl with PTSD, and that I’d always be afraid of the world, but the last few years, especially the last three months, has made me realize that I was wrong. I’m not sure when the shift happened, but after over a decade of therapy, and some major life changes, I have discovered how to live with PTSD, and I believe you can too.

I know that this is an extremely difficult time because COVID-19 and the uncertainty of what comes next and how it has changed our lives forever is traumatic and it’s causing a lot of people to experience symptoms of PTSD for the first time. But whether you are experiencing it for the first time or you’ve been living with PTSD for a lifetime, you need to know that you will feel brave and confident again. It doesn’t happen overnight; believe me, but when you learn to put yourself first, things will start to change for you. You don’t need to be selfish or blame anyone, just start putting your thoughts and feelings at the forefront of your mind and you will start to see changes almost immediately as you start to live your authentic life.

Remember not to make excuses for how you think or feel, and I know that might be hard for you because you’re so used to being everything for everyone else, but instead of making excuses, be deliberate in everything you do from now on. Be thoughtful, methodical, and always make decisions based on the purpose of keeping yourself happy. Because I believe that when you have achieved that; when you can answer someone back keeping your feelings in mind, instead of worrying, or feeling fearful about whether you’re hurting someone else’s, you will be well on your way to living your life.

Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.

Links and References:

https://www.covid-19canada.com/graphs

https://globalnews.ca/news/6627505/coronavirus-covid-canada-timeline/