Flying High! (approx. 9-10 min. read)
/OMG! I’m flying high and instead of crying because I feel defeated, I’m crying tears because I rocked it! It reminds me of my favourite Christmas movie: “A Christmas Carol,”where Alastair wakes up from seeing his past, present and future and he dances about saying, “I don’t know what to do… I’m as light as a feather… I’m as merry as schoolboy… I’m as giddy as a drunken man…” Whatever this sensation is, it feel’s like I’ve been given a second chance at my life and I’m going to take it!
Everything kind of started on September 26th when I got a message from Enza Tiberi-Checchia inviting me to be a guest of Hats On for Awareness at the Annual Hatsquerade Gala at the Mental Health Advocates table. The Mental Health Advocates table!!
Enza co-founded the charity Hats on For Awareness with her friend Benny Caringi back in 2008 and this year marked their eleventh annual Hatsquerade. Since their commencement, they’ve raised over a million dollars “to further the reach of mental health programs that enhance the lives of those living with and affected by mental illness and addictions,” and I believe they are a force to be reckoned with.
If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been working towards becoming a mental health advocate for quite some time. This invitation was acknowledgement that I’ve reached that goal, so I had to say yes. I know, I know, I’ve told everyone that knows me to never invite to me gatherings with more than 10 people, but how could I say no? If I didn’t go I would feel like such a hypocrite plus the fact that when I was talking about how many people were actually going, a stranger piped up and said that was only 10 people …just 10 times 10 times 10 people – lol!
(My PTSD brain sure has grown this last little while because first of all, I wouldn’t have said yes, and I definitely wouldn’t have laughed at the 10 times 10 joke – from a STRANGER)
After I got the invite, I started making plans to make the gala, as well as the overnight stay, go as smoothly as possible and one of those ways is to look at the worst things that can happen and come up with solutions, just in case worst case scenarios become a part of my reality. Some people think it’s being negative, but I believe it helps me to look beyond the negative, so I’m better able to focus on the positive.
Some of the things that went through my mind were; what if I get lost? More importantly, what if I get harassed about Laddie, my service dog, or finding a place close to the gala that will be okay with Laddie? I know that service dogs are allowed everywhere; it’s the law, but Laddie and I are not always made to feel welcome, and in my humble opinion, that’s the same as not being allowed.
The biggest issue I was worried about was that the only dress I had was impossible to get into, or out of by myself. It was a floor length dress that I had worn to my youngest daughter’s wedding and it was gorgeous, but I couldn’t reach the zipper. My husband and I talked about him coming down to meet me, but it was a two-hour drive and even if he left straight after work, he wouldn’t be able to make it to the hotel in time.
Anyway, I looked up the information on how to get to the hotel and the gala and decided I would rely on my GPS to do the rest. I called ahead to make sure the hotel was fine with Laddie being with me and they were. Then I called one of the staff that was helping to organize the gala to ask her if she could make sure the hall wasn’t going to be an issue when it came to Laddie and it wasn’t. They asked me to bring a doctor’s note, as well as Laddie’s certification papers, which I faxed ahead of time because I was pretty sure that being asked at the door would add to my anxiety. As for my dress, I would have to figure it out when I got there.
The morning of the gala I got up early to do bee venom therapy to treat my Lyme disease, packed up my things and then got in my car to head towards the city. The first thing I needed to do when I got to the city was to get my hair put up because the symptoms of PTSD always make me perspire and I knew that having my hair up, would help to keep me cool.
I set out my regular way, but somehow, I got lost, I’m not sure how, but I got lost. I drove around in circles for about an hour before finding a hydro one work crew and when I stopped and asked for directions, they were very helpful and sent me in the right direction. I tried not to panic because I had allowed myself four and a half hours of extra time, but I ended up losing my reading glasses somewhere along the line, and it made it really hard read the GPS when “Siri” decided to stop talking to me.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I start to get anxious and start experiencing the symptoms of PTSD. For me those symptoms are getting lost in my head, forgetting things I know, panicking, dissociating and being worried that any of those things are going to happen. So, more than once I had to pull into a parking lot, put my seat into a reclined position and close my eyes so I could meditate.
I started meditating this past summer when I joined a Dialectical Behaviour therapy (DBT) group and although it was difficult in the beginning, I’m getting really good at it and because of it I was able to focus on my breathing and get myself back to a space in my reality where I was able to calm myself down and get back on the road.
I ended up at the hotel and ready to go about an hour before the gala started. Luckily, one of the hotel clerks was a female and she helped zip up my dress, and she also offered to unzip it when I got back. I had faced a couple of my “issues” and so far, everything was working out, so I was feeling pretty good, but as the time got closer, I started to freak out and I started to stress sweat. Then my breathing started to change, and I started to panic, so I decided to do what’s been working for me and that was to meditate - again.
I found the most comfortable chair in my hotel room and sat down. Then I put my hands with the palms facing up and put a half smile on my face; this is called smiling face and willing hands, and I started to concentrate on my breathing. I sat there for about ten minutes and I just couldn’t get out of my head, so I decided that I should just go to the gala. I figured that if I was going to stress, then I might as well face my fear to see if it was as bad as I was making it out to be in my head.
The event space was close enough to walk to from the hotel, but I took my car just in case I needed somewhere to escape to and gather my thoughts during the evening.
When Laddie and I got there, we got out of the car and walked across the parking lot and through the front doors of the biggest hall I’d ever seen. The ceilings had to have been at least two stories high and it felt almost big enough to be a stadium. There were people milling about everywhere, but I just told myself to breathe and with Laddie by my side, we walked through the foyer, into the hall and over to where our table was.
It looked fabulous! There were these huge inflated balloons, you know, the ones you bounced around on when you were a kid, hanging above every table and there had to have been at least a hundred tables. These gigantic balloons ranged in the colours of the rainbow and dancing all around them were these coloured lights; they went from wall to ceiling and back again.
It was still pretty quiet because the program didn’t start for another hour and 95% of the guests were in the front foyer indulging on appetizers and fancy drinks, so I took advantage of the situation and sat down to do another short meditation.
At 7:30 PM, the program started, and I introduced myself to other advocates as they sat at our table. The first couple of people were a woman named Christina Lord and a gentleman named Kevin Benevides and the three of us had a good time laughing and talking in between the speeches and during dinner; which was incredible because as I mentioned, they were also mental health advocates and we were V.I.P.’s for the night.
After the meal, Enza wanted a picture of all her V.I.P.’s, so we all went back out into the foyer to have our picture taken. Honestly, I’m not sure what was different about me, but I did great. I felt incredibly comfortable, especially after dinner when everyone got up to dance because another advocate, named Jen saw me sitting alone and came over to introduce herself. She and I talked until the music was over-powering our conversation and have since become Facebook friends.
The greatest thing that happened since I got the invite to the Hatsquerade and then went to the gala, is that somehow, I have changed. During my drive home, a bored teenager threw a rock at my car and caused about $500.00 damage. Normally that would have put me in such a bad place I would have needed my husband, Gary to come and pick me up and I would have spent weeks going down that rabbit hole.
Instead, I told myself I’d look at the damage to my vehicle when I got home and kept driving?! Say WHAT?! …this wasn’t the kind of behaviour that had become part of my normal since my PTSD diagnosis – this was more like how I acted before I got held up.
The more I drove, the more I felt like I was on a some sort of high and feeling like I could conquer the world and it was still there when I got home and it’s still there now, and it’s been four days. I posted on social media that I felt like the Grinch, but instead of my heart growing, my brain did, or maybe both grew, but who knows? All I know is that I feel like a different person, almost like I used to be before I got held up, only I’m a newer and improved version.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.
Links and References:
http://www.hatsonforawareness.com/
