Trying to Make New Memories This Christmas. (approx. 6-7 min. read)
/The holidays are upon us and I know I’ve written about them before; at least once, but at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I need to write about them again. Writing about what ails me is so helpful in my recovery, so without further adieu…
It’s getting really close to the Christmas holidays and if you’re anything like me, it’s a time I dread. I’m not sure when I started dreading this time of year, but it’s been years.
After my father left on September 1, 1975, my siblings and I only ever once celebrated Christmas day with him and his new family. In fact, we never heard a word from him during the first Christmas he was gone and when I finally located him a year later, he basically opened the conversation by making excuses as to why we couldn’t celebrate Christmas day with him anymore.
The first Christmas without him in 1975 was really sad because he was supposed to have only been gone for three months and come home in time for Christmas; they called it a trial separation, but the three-month marker came and went, and we didn’t even get a phone call from him. The worst thing was that my mother didn’t want to talk to any of us about it, and she wouldn’t let us call him, so we had no idea what was going on.
It was really difficult because not only was a part of our family missing, we had no idea where to start when it came to Christmas. Our father had been an artist and every year he designed a calendar that told us when and where we would do things like decorate, shop for presents, etc. and this year there wasn’t one. My brothers decided that they were going to skip it that year and when I asked them about decorating, they basically told me to piss off.
So, I took matters into my own hands in order to keep things as “normal,” as I could, and I put the tree up during a Grey cup celebration my oldest brother was having. I had a great time, as I was distracted by all the hooting and hollering going on and when it was up, the tree looked amazing. Needless to say, this is the day I have continued to put up my tree. There have been a few exceptions; like last year because we didn’t get the permit to move into our house until Christmas Eve, but for the most part, Grey Cup weekend is the weekend we have cut down a tree and decorated it.
Each and every year that I lived with my biological family, I would pull all the decorations out, put them all up and try to get into the “spirit,” but it was so hard. Nobody seemed to be interested in helping, not even my mother and it was left to me …to be honest, after my father left, all of our holidays kind of went by the wayside and we not only stopped celebrating Christmas, we stopped celebrating Thanksgiving and Easter as well.
As we got older, found partners and started having our own families, the celebrations became less and less and by the time I was in my early twenties, I didn’t get to see my biological family on Christmas day. My mother would promise each year that she’d come to my place, but she’d make excuses and make plans with my younger brother and whoever he was dating, instead. As for my father, as I stated earlier, there was only one Christmas my brothers and I were invited to celebrate with his family and when it came to Boxing day, he and his wife would always make excuses about my kids, or grandkids being sick so I would get stood up by them as well.
Don’t get me wrong because I had some amazing Christmases with my kids when they were growing up, but once they had their own families, I was without biological family again.
Fast forward to today and things have changed, but when it comes to the holidays, they’ve gotten worse instead of better. My kids stopped talking to me on May 16, 2019 and other than a few “unfriendly” emails telling me that unless I “take part in a recorded mediation for further consideration,” I won’t ever see them, or my grandkids ever again. They blocked me on social media so I can’t see pictures of them or my grandchildren and told me that they’d get a lawyer if I didn’t stop sending cards and/or tried to contact them.
I’m really not sure what I did…
I’ve been told that they don’t trust me because of my mental illness, but I’m not sure, because there’s never been a real discussion about it. They just stopped replying to my texts and phone calls. Furthermore, they refuse to talk to me unless I take part in a recorded mediation, as I’ve already mentioned, but I won’t do it. I have been the brunt of theirs and the Chesterton jokes for years and there’s no way I’ll give them more ammunition to try and destroy me … and that’s all they seem to want to do – destroy me. Honestly, if they really wanted to resolve the issues we’re having, they would consent to get together; one on one and discuss them like adults, as I’ve proposed more than once.
Anyway, I’m trying to get into the spirit and make my husband, Gary’s and my Christmas holiday memorable this year and every year after that, if it’s possible. He misses the grandchildren as much as I do and instead of it being a tearful holiday; again, I’m going to try and make it special by starting new Christmas traditions …it’s all I’ve got.
The first tradition will be putting up a fake tree instead of going out and cutting down a real tree. For close to two decades I had made it a yearly outing with my kids; that and apple picking, no matter who my partner was, but this year our tree’s coming from a box. Gary loves having the Christmas tree up for longer than a month, and in all honesty, so do I, and you can’t do that with a real tree.
The second will be trying to make new memories… Since I was in my late teens, I made it a tradition to purchase at least one new Christmas decoration every year and up until last year, it was great to look back on all those memories but now they’re just a hurtful reminder that my kids aren’t talking to me. Ironically, Gary and I lost most of our belongings in storage while we were building the house; Christmas memorabilia included, so we went out and bought a bunch of new ones.
(We had a huge issue with mold and unless it was solid and could be soaked in bleach, there was no way we could keep it …it was heart-wrenching because we lost so much, including most of our pictures…)
Our third new tradition will be exchanging stockings… Gary and I exchanged gifts while we had kids at home, but when they left, we decided to make the holiday about friends and family, but this year we’re going to do stockings for each other, and make it more about us.
After that, we’re going to put the turkey in the oven, because this year, there’s no “lasagna, or garlic bread!” This year we’re going to have a traditional dinner, right down to the stuffing. Followed by a nature walk in the snow-covered forest behind our house and then a hot toddy or two in the hot tub off the back porch. It won’t be as awesome as waiting for the grandchildren to call or spending time with them while they open their presents, but I’m hoping it will help me to get through something I’ve had anxiety, grief and unhappiness about for decades.
What are you planning on doing differently this year?
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.
Links and References:
https://www.davinalytle.com/blog/2015/12/22/being-good-to-my-inner-child-this-christmas
https://www.davinalytle.com/blog/2016/12/21/i-have-a-very-special-guest-coming-for-christmas
