Being Kind to My Inner Child This Christmas... (approx. 3 - 3½ min. read)

I’ve been trying to write a blog this week, but I’m having an incredibly tough time. I can’t seem to get the thoughts in my head written in a way that is easy to read, but here goes...

If you’ve been following me you know I don’t get out much, and when I do it’s not very often I’ll go anywhere there’s a crowd. I have huge issues trusting people, and if there are any more than ten people in a room, I’m extremely uneasy; especially when its people that don’t have my best interest in mind.

 ...It wasn’t always this way, but since I had my run in with the man in the red shirt, my life has changed. Now I find it really hard making small talk with people I know are talking about me behind my back. People that say I’m faking it one minute, and then say I’m crazy the next. Don’t get me wrong, because most of the people at my family gatherings are genuine and I miss them; it’s the few that aren’t genuine that make it difficult for me. They wait until I’m standing alone, say something under their breath and then leave before I’ve had a chance to absorb what they’ve said...

It’s those moments that make me feel anxious from the second I say yes to an invite. And as it gets closer to the event, my anxiety seems to go through the roof! I become incredibly forgetful, a lot more hyper-vigilante, and I hide out. I avoid sleeping by going to bed extremely late, and getting up early because the nightmares increase with my stress levels. ...And I dissociate, which means I lose a lot of time as well.

I do whatever it takes to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught so that I can get through it relatively unscathed, because I not only worry leading up to the event; I beat myself up for weeks after it. Not for anything I’ve done, but for what I didn’t do!

It’s like I never know what to say to an insult, and I usually end up standing there with my mouth agape. Almost like it’s the first time I’ve ever been insulted! And what makes it worse is that normally I’m quite witty, but instead of defending myself, I seem to revert to a three year old and all I can think is, If you can’t find anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all...

Then for weeks after the hurtful situation, I play out what I should have said. ...Over and over, banging my head against the wall (figuratively of course), asking myself how I could have let them hurt me - again?! It’s ludicrous...

Anyway, this year I’m going to be kind to my inner child and avoid the people who make me feel uncomfortable; for lack of a better word. I’m going to surround myself with the people that love, and accept me for who I am. Plus I’m going offline for the holidays so there will be no possibility of hearing anything that will be a stressor/trigger for me.

...But don’t worry, I’ll be back the first week of January to tell you how being kind to myself helped make the hardest time of the year a little easier.

Stay safe and stay strong and whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, or family, have a wonderful time and I’ll see you in the New Year!